Hamlet is Dead
by BackgroundRobot-11
Summary: Following his death, Hamlet awaits the afterlife...only to find something different to what he expected. Oneshot, language.


Hello, and welcome to Hamlet is Dead, a comedy fic regarding what happened after Hamlet's death. I wrote this because I have serious issues regarding that jackass Hamlet. Like most of Shakespeare's protagonists, he's something of an anti-hero, but Hamlet takes things even further, whether directly or indirectly, he's responsible for almost every death in the play (in fact, I think the original Hamlet is just about the only character that he didn't kill in one form or another). I've even compiled a list of gripes I have with the character on my Deviantart page...but anyway, please enjoy the following humorous fic, don't forget to leave a review when you've finished reading, and finally...thanks for reading!

Notice: Rated for Language and Implied Violence.

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Hamlet watched as his mourners crowded around his body, Horatio cradling his corpse.

Hamlet sighed "Well, after all this killing, I sure am looking forward to a nice, peaceful afterlife!"

"You don't get one." A voice from behind Hamlet said.

"Huh?" Hamlet gasped, turning around to face with Polonius, Ophelia, his father, Laertes, Gertrude, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

"Friends, family...douche bags!" Hamlet exclaimed, the last referring to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern "What are you doing here, instead of being in the warm embrace of our Lord...or in hell?" Hamlet asked, glaring at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

"Because none of us received our last rights, we were doomed to Purgatory, just like he was!" Rosencrantz replied, motioning to Hamlet's father.

"Forgot about that little tidbit, didn't you?" An annoyed looking Laertes asked.

"Huh...So, where's Claudius?" Hamlet asked, looking around.

"He's in hell, he did kill me after all and was an unrepentant, cheating asshole." The former King replied.

"Oh...So, what now?" Hamlet questioned, scratching his head.

"Well, see Hamlet, none of us are particularly pleased that your selfish actions got us stuck here, so-" Guildenstern began, only to be cut off by Hamlet.

"Selfish! I only did what my dear departed father asked of me!" Hamlet exclaimed, attempting to defend himself.

"So...killing me, that was part of your father's plan?" Polonius asked.

"I thought you were that incestuous fiend Claudius!" Hamlet protested.

"Why the bloody hell would he be hiding behind the curtain of his own bedroom?-! You just saw him in the church! How could he have gotten there ahead of you, huh?-! Huh?-!" Polonius cried, putting his hands on his hips.

"...I still stand by that reckless decision." Hamlet replied.

"You drove me mad you son of a bitch! Oh, uh, no offence your majesty." Ophelia apologised, turning to Gertrude, who merely glared in response.

"Hey, now that wasn't my-" Hamlet started, only to be quickly cut off.

"You rudely broke up with me, insulted me, battered me and killed my father you jerkass!" Ophelia snapped.

"And in doing so, you robbed me of my family and turned me into a bitter, bitter person who wished to revenge them...the family that you murdered." Laertes pointed out.

"Acceptable losses!" Hamlet exclaimed.

"Ex-excuse me?" A stunned Laertes asked.

"Yes, their deaths helped further my own goals! Mine, see! And everyone knows that I'm the most important person here!" Hamlet replied.

"Asshole." Polonius muttered.

"And what of you? My so called friends!" hamlet cried, turning on Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

"We were concerned for your wellbeing you fuckwit!" Guildenstern snapped.

"Yeah, we heard that you were insane, so we came over at the request of Claudius and Gertrude in order to keep an eye on you and make sure that you didn't endanger yourself!" Rosencrantz pointed out.

"Oh but you-You! You assume that we're betraying you! And how do you repay us for our sympathy? You have us executed! Fuck you Hamlet! Fuck you right in the ear!" Guildenstern spat.

"But you my mother, surely you don't hate me?" Hamlet asked.

"Well, I wouldn't have been poisoned if you had just waited for Claudius to die naturally, or just kill the bastard in his sleep! Plus you clearly had some kind of sick sexual fetish for me." Gertrude pointed out as she rolled her eyes.

"Oh come on! You can hardly hold me accountable for drinking poison that was...meant...for...me...fuck!" Hamlet cursed.

"Yes, you truly are a bastard." Rosencrantz said as he and the others encircled Hamlet menacingly.

"Uh, guys? Could you give me a little space here? You're starting to creep me out?" A nervous Hamlet asked.

"Oh, no, see Hamlet, if we have to suffer in Purgatory, we think that you should have to suffer even more for putting us here." Laertes answered menacingly.

Hamlet gulped in fright "W-what are you going to do?"

Guildenstern chuckled as he brandished a pipe that had materialised out of nowhere "We're going to make you wish you followed Claudius."

Hamlet's eyes widened as the souls closed in on him "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Needless to say, Hamlet's horrible, agonising suffering would continue for eons.

* * *

And, end of story. In case anyone is wondering, the use of revenged instead of avenged is correct in this context, as it was the preferred term in Shakespeare's day . Well, that was fairly short I know, but I still hope that you, the reader, enjoyed it and found it to be at least mildly funny. Well, that about does it for me, once again, I hope that you have enjoyed the following fic, please don't forget to leave a review and finally...thanks for reading! Bye!


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